Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Pursuit

My blog feels a little mysterious and schizophrenic this week. Sorry about that. I'm just sorting through a bunch of things and thought you might sort along with me? I think for the past few months different seeds have been planted in my heart and I'm feeling convicted in different areas and trying to make sense of them. We are headed out of town and I'm looking forward to clearing my head a bit.

For the last few years I've been chasing things that have left me feeling pretty inadequate and unsatisfied. Maybe what I had in mind for success isn't what God did? Maybe what I need to look for success in right now is raising my girls? There are so many things that have been catching my eye and making me feel insufficient lately and guess what that's because I am insufficient. I've been striving for recognition of some sort, of feeling validated, worth knowing. The result has been anxiety, a pit in my stomach, frustration. I haven't felt much joy at all. I've searched for purpose and been filled with doubt (needed this).

I built walls up in my heart for protection. After a lengthy season of death I've been living in fear that something would happen to Sam, the girls. I was talking to a friend the other day about our circles being too expanded sometimes online. I see things daily that just wreck me. Our reach is beyond our means. We can't take on the worries and heartache of every soul we encounter online. I don't think we were designed like that. God gives us a circle of people that we are supposed to support and love on and that alone can be overwhelming, let alone adding sometimes thousands of people to our net. It can all just be too much.

All this to say, God has been softening my heart, pushing through the fear, opening my eyes. For the first time in what feels like years, I have actually been pursuing my creator, not running from Him. I just want to take a minute to encourage any of you who feel like I was (am still sometimes) feeling, that we were created for more than just a paycheck or for "followers" or whatever success looks like to you, that maybe our purpose in this season are the people around us. Let us shake loose a self focus that is destructive.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

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24 comments:

  1. Lesley, this was a really lovely post! I'm sure you'll find that so many of your readers can relate. I've been thinking about the online world a lot, and it's such a strange thing if you can pull back from it for a second and remember a time before everything was online. Our kitchen sink is out of commission right now as we wait for a replacement part to be delivered, so I've been doing dishes in the laundry room. I was going to take a pic of my new sink set-up last night and post it in FB/IG, and then stopped myself and thought, What are you doing?? It's not such a strange thing, people do that sort of thing all the time. But, why am I doing it?!? My daily conversations with friends & family have been largely replaced these days by FB/IG comments. Where I once would have chatted in person/on the phone about the sink and laughed about it, I'm just not doing it anymore, and it's sad! I also distinctly remember dragging my feet into the cell phone era and telling my sister- why do I need to talk to someone while I'm at the grocery store? Why can't it wait 'til I get home?! Now it feels weird and even a little scary to leave home and forget my cell phone! Hmm, I forgot where I was going with all of this- mom brain!! I'll just say, I'm with you girl!! "Knowing" so many folks online, but losing the direct connection has been making me uncomfortable lately too. Times are changing? Enjoy your time away!! xo

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    1. exactly! i struggle so much with my motivation behind sharing certain things and while i think a lot of our conversations are abbreviated because we have little ones, there is no substitution for unfiltered talk with a girlfriend. thanks lady!

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  2. Your honesty always inspires me! Thanks for this post. I needed it, and I love that Elisabeth Elliot quote.

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    1. that means a lot! thank you and yes it's such an awesome quote. xo

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  3. do not make me burst into tear. God is speaking to me through you right now sister. I'm scared to read the rest of your post. the first few sentences...

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    1. awww i'm sorry you're struggling with the same things but glad i'm not alone. hugs to you!

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  4. I've followed your blog for about three to four months now - found it when I was researching a move to Marietta. While our plans fell through, I've been pretty loyal to your updates.

    I have a 13 month old daughter who was THREE (eeek) months old when we moved to Atlanta from New York. Today I felt most compelled to comment. Your blog, however wayward you believe it to have veered, has been an applicable guidebook for me, a young mother and entrepreneur. You said something recently that has actually shaped my entire attitude about parenting, and self improvement. I cannot give Beau (my daughter) what I do not possess myself. I'm realizing through your wisdom, how much parenting makes you take a hard look at who you ARE and who you should aspire to be in the eyes of God and your children.

    You've been very helpful to me these days (a total stranger), and I think God's will may well be for you to shephard people like me.

    So, thank you for being so thoughtful and transparent with your thoughts and resources.

    Thank you.

    Stacy Baker

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    1. stacy, that means so much i don't even know how to tell you. thank you so much for your encouragement and for taking the time to let me know. love to you and welcome to atlanta!

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  5. love your heart, lesley! :)

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  6. Such truth. This was a beautiful post. Glad we met at the workshop and I was able to find your blog!

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    1. me too jamie! thanks so much for your comment!

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  7. I've been feeling much the same lately. The world is a big place and there is too much sadness for one person to take on. Just keep being yourself... that is who your family loves and who we love to read about! It's so easy to feel caught up in the race, but just knowing that and accepting it are huge hurdles. Hugs.

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    1. it's just a crappy way to feel but i'm so thankful for people like you and a God that snaps me out of those feelings to do more! thank you so much jenna lou and love to you and your adorable family. excited to check out that devotional you mentioned!

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  8. I love the daily routine of reading your blog. It brings me to a place of real reflection. I shutdown my FB account months ago because I felt like I was loosing a real connection with my friends. I enjoy the internet but it can be a major zap of energy and motivation. The Romans verse is perfect. I love how there is verse applicable to any issue in life! I'll be praying! The Lord knows a mothers soul.

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    1. amen to the zap and that is such joy to my soul that God would use me to bring anything to your day. thank you so much for sharing that with me. that makes my heart soar. thank you so much for your prayers and for just being awesome. xo

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  9. Ok, for some reason I'm having trouble getting my post to show up again, so forgive me if I'm a double poster :) I came across your Elisabeth Elliot pin the other night and all I will say is TEARS. I'm sure you can figure out a lot of what is behind that, but thank you. Totally needed it. And be encouraged that even though you don't know exactly where this confusing path is leading right now, your willingness to be vulnerable is touching lives along the way.

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    1. so glad we got to spend some (super relaxing ;)) time together this morning! God has you right where He wants you and i am lucky to be a part of your adventure! xx

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  10. What you said about our circles being too expanded makes so much sense, but I've never thought about it that way. Thank you for giving me something to ponder this weekend! I'll admit, I tend to skim most of the blogs on my reader and just look at the pretty pictures, but I really enjoy reading your words. You're a beautiful writer.

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    1. stephanie, that is one of the best compliments you could ever give me. thank you so much for saying that. means a lot! xo

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  11. Appreciated reading this post, Lesley. Enjoy your blog and am encouraged to read your thoughts on the pursuit of God.

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    1. thank you Alisa!! so glad you were encouraged. :)

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  12. Oh Lesley. I love you so. Your realness - however schizophrenic it may feel at times - is what makes you worth knowing.

    I can relate to the need for some kind of balance (more mythical than I unicorn, I swear) and for just plain quiet. I'm trying to leave lots of space and time and make quiet for God to tell me where to go next. I appreciate that another mother is struggling with her personal ambition and the drive to be a strong mother and wife, too.

    Keep being yourself - whatever that means for this space - and we will be here to battle and be inspired with you. xo.

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    1. totally a unicorn. i'm so glad i know you. your words make me happy. hope to see you guys soon!

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